Foster care is a journey filled with love, heartbreak, hope, and resilience. It’s a system designed not for adoption but for reunification with a child’s biological family whenever possible. As a foster parent, you are committing to being a temporary safe space—a bridge between where a child has been and where they are meant to be. That distinction is crucial, yet it’s something many people don’t fully understand.
Reunification is the First Goal
When a child enters foster care, the goal is not immediately to find them a new family—it’s to help their biological family regain stability so they can return home. This means working with birth parents, even when emotions are high. Many parents whose children enter the system are not bad people; they may have made mistakes, faced hardships, or lacked the support they needed to provide a safe home. Foster parents should approach these situations with empathy and understanding, recognizing that the ultimate goal is to help a family heal and reunite.
That doesn’t mean it’s easy. Parents may be angry, defensive, or mistrusting of the foster system, and sometimes that frustration is directed at foster parents. It’s hard to be on the receiving end of that, but it’s important to remember that these parents are in pain. Their child has been removed from their care, and they’re navigating a system that can feel overwhelming. Foster parents can help by being open, respectful, and supportive of birth families when possible.
The Role of Social Workers and Extended Family
Social workers play a complex role in foster care. They don’t just advocate for the child; they also work with the biological parents to give them a chance to regain custody. If reunification isn’t possible, they look for extended family members who can take in the child. This process is rooted in the belief that maintaining biological and cultural ties is in the child’s best interest.
Some states, like Wisconsin, have programs that conduct extensive background checks to locate potential relatives, even those who may not have been in close contact with the child or parents before. The goal is to keep children connected to their heritage, culture, and family history rather than placing them with an unrelated foster or adoptive family right away.
Foster Care is Not a Shortcut to Adoption
One of the biggest misconceptions about foster care is that it is an easy path to adoption. In reality, the process is long and uncertain. In Wisconsin, for example, it typically takes at least two years before guardianship or adoption can even be considered. Even in situations where birth parents voluntarily terminate their rights, the legal system takes time to ensure every option for reunification or placement with extended family has been explored.
Our personal experience is a reflection of this. Despite both birth parents willingly supporting our adoption and terminating their rights voluntarily, we still had to wait two years for the process to be finalized. This waiting period can be difficult and scary for foster parents who have bonded with a child, but it is necessary to ensure that every decision is made with the child’s best interest in mind.
The Emotional Reality of Foster Parenting
Being a foster parent means opening your heart to children who may not stay. It means loving them fully while knowing they might leave. And when they do, it hurts. But that’s not a reason to hold back.
The most important thing a foster parent can do is provide a child with safety, stability, and unconditional love while they are in their care. Even if they return to their biological family, the love and security you provide will always be a part of them.
There are many resources available for foster parents at the city, county, and state levels. It’s important to keep a list of support groups and online resources to reference when needed. Becoming involved in your local foster community can be incredibly beneficial, providing both practical and emotional support.
Local foster communities often help with everything from clothing and essential items for children to offering a listening ear when the process feels overwhelming. Having a network of people who understand the unique challenges of foster care can make all the difference, whether you need advice, encouragement, or simply someone who truly understands the journey.
As adults, we can process grief. We can handle the heartbreak. The children in foster care, however, need love without limits—without hesitation or fear of our own pain. Their healing, their sense of security, and their ability to form healthy attachments all depend on the care they receive while they are with us.
And when a child leaves, it’s okay to grieve. It’s okay to hurt. But it’s also important to remember why you opened your home in the first place—to be a safe place for a child in need. And when the time comes, to be that safe place for the next child who needs you.
Foster care is not about finding children for families—it’s about finding families for children, even if it’s just for a little while. It’s an emotional journey, but one that is deeply worth taking.
The Anker Homestead 